Johnny Rockets – Worst. Burger. Ever.

Hello all. We take a break from my ramblings about Bangkok food to have a big rant.

The first, most important, and most distressing thing about Johnny Rockets is that the headline was not an exaggeration. Not one bit. The piece of crap I ate there really was the worst burger I have ever had in my life.

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Let’s backtrack a little.

I’ve seen the lot in The Curve under renovation for quite a while, and was rather looking forward to trying out what looked to be a real-deal, all-American burger joint.

In November, they finally opened and all the signs were highly auspicious. There were dancing waiters and cute uniforms and cheerful-looking décor that made the place look every bit like a classic American deli. Plus, the queues were massively long. We tried going there for dinner one weekend in mid-November and had to pass because the waiting list was too long and we needed to go watch the God of Thunder kick some dark elf ass.

Then, a few days later, I happened to have a morning meeting near The Curve which ended around lunchtime. I decided I should have lunch there and even got a co-worker to go with me. I don’t know if he will ever forgive me.

Despite it being a weekday, we still had to wait 30 minutes for a table. And despite the huge team of cooks in the open kitchen, we had to wait almost 45 minutes for our food.

The plateful of what can only very loosely be termed ‘food’ that finally landed in front of me was nothing short of vile.

The burger patty looked and tasted like it had spent a week being incinerated on the surface of the sun. Grossly overcooked, it was a disgusting hunk of dry, tough, rubbery meat utterly devoid of any flavour, save for the taste of copious amounts of pepper. And, inexplicably for a busy, packed restaurant, it was also cold.

The bun is a whole other nightmare. Its inner surfaces were two thick, hard, greasy crusts that looked like someone had slathered butter on them, toasted them for too long and left them to go stale for a couple of weeks before serving them to me. Again, how do you achieve this in a busy restaurant?

They managed to totally f*ck up the sides as well. The fries were soggy, limp, overly starchy abominations that no amount of ketchup or chilli sauce could save.

And with the coleslaw, the food quality went from horrific to borderline criminal. It was about half a handful of completely wilted purple lettuce that appeared to have been discarded vegetable trimmings salvaged from the dumpster behind a third-rate restaurant, crudely shredded and scattered unceremoniously on the plate with barely a few drops of disgusting-looking dressing coated in congealed oil.

And for this they had the gall to charge almost RM30!

The worst beef burger I’ve had at McDonald’s is 50 times better than this. Even the crappy McRib is better than this. Heck, a piece of old tyre rubber slapped between two sheets of cardboard and sauced with used engine oil would probably taste better than this unmitigated piece of utter crap that has no business calling itself ‘edible’, much less a burger.

We had to get back to work and didn’t have time to demand replacements that very likely would have taken another 45 minutes to arrive. So we just choked down the least disgusting bits on our plate and left, never intending to return.

Dammit, I wanted to like Johnny Rockets, I really did. Now all I want is to see its hordes of curious first-time customers shrink to nothing, and for the restaurant to die a well-deserved death – the sooner the better – so that the space it currently occupies can be filled with a shop that’s not a total affront to its entire industry.

Texas Chicken – The sides that stole the show

G02, Empire Damansara, Jalan PJU 8/8, 47800, Damansara Perdana, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia

I like fried chicken.

For many years, I was a hardcore fan of KFC and would try every single new thing on the menu at least once. But I’ve stopped eating there for a long time now because I am violently opposed to the fact that they hire rempits who gleefullycontaminate the food and throw flying punches at customers.

I still like fried chicken, but because of this self-imposed abstinence from KFC, I am always on the lookout for good new fried chicken joints to try. So I was very happy when I found out that a new fried chicken franchise has opened in Malaysia.

Could this be my new go-to place for fried chicken?

It’s located just 5 minutes’ drive from where I stay, at the shiny new Empire Damansara. I’ve been there 3 times in the space of a week, and have tried almost everything on the menu. Here’s my take on Texas Chicken, with comparisons (where applicable) against the long-established fried chicken king: KFC.

Original chicken.

We start, of course, with the main event: the fried chicken. My first thought upon looking at it is: Well I’ll be a double-dog-darned tumbleweed… they weren’t kiddin’ when they said everything’s big in Texas. (apologies for my inept Texan)

Compared with the pathetic, shrunken chicken from KFC, the pieces of fried chicken at Texas are massive. And they don’t cheat by adding huge amounts of batter like KFC does with Hot & Spicy. It’s all meat with a very thin coating of batter. Even the wings have a substantial amount of meat on them, and don’t disappear in two bites.

Spicy chicken.

They got the meat to be tender and juicy – even the breasts – something which KFC seemed to have forgotten how to do in recent years.

Flavour-wise, though, the chicken at Texas is very mild. Their original chicken doesn’t have a distinctive flavour like KFC OR, and even their spicy chicken (though they say it has been seasoned with a potent blend of 5 different spices) seems to lack much punch in the flavour department. I really hope they will adjust their recipes to suit Malaysian preferences for stronger flavours… and soon. In the mean time, there’s always chilli sauce… :)

Okay, so the chicken is good but not great. But all is not lost: as the headline says, the sides are awesome. Before we get to them, though, I thought I should do a quick run-down of all the things I ate there which were – like the chicken – good but not great. Would be a shame to have gained all those calories and not write about the food, no?

Chicken Tenders. Thick, meaty strips of tender, juicy breast meat. Like the fried chicken, not very flavourful, but the creamy jalapeno sauce has a nice tangy taste that boosted the flavour quotient considerably. The darker one is the spicy version.

Nuggets. Don’t like this one. Taste and texture remind me too much of chicken meatballs. Barbecue sauce is nice and thick, but a little too sweet for my taste.

Regular wrap – chicken tender with some green veggies and nice sour cream. Could do with a little extra sauce.

Tex wrap – regular wrap with tomatoes and shredded cheese added. Again, some extra sauce would be good.

Classic burger. Sort of like the McChicken (which I’m not fond of) or a Colonel Burger (which I absolutely loathe). But at least in this one, the patty has a nice crunchy crust.

Mexicana burger (which technically should be called a sandwich). Quite big, with a thick piece of boneless chicken. Like the wrap, could use a little more sauce. I would say the KFC Zinger is just slightly better than this.

All right, we’ve gotten all that out of the way… let’s finish strong with three fantastic sides.

French fries.

These are perfect: crunchy outside, light and fluffy inside. They are so well-seasoned that it actually felt wrong to dip them in chilli sauce or ketchup. Hands-down better than KFC Fun Fries; better even than McDonald’s fries; they’re every bit as good as the top-notch fries at Carl’s Jr.

Mashed potato.

The last time I had whipped potato at KFC, it was atrociously bad, with the texture of congealed wallpaper paste and a tasteless sauce. It was such a pleasure to taste the soft, light and creamy mashed potato at Texas chicken with its tasty brown sauce. The coleslaw next to it is not bad either.

Honey butter biscuits.

In my opinion, this is the best item on the menu. It has a nice crunchy crust on top that’s sticky with a honey glaze. The middle is so soft that it starts falling apart as soon as you pick it up. The texture is smooth and light and almost creamy, and there is a delicious buttery flavour that’s sweet and slightly savoury. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give the KFC bun a 1, the Popeye’s biscuit a 5 and the Texas honey butter biscuits a 10.

Final verdict: the lack of flavour in the fried chicken is a pretty big issue for a fried chicken joint, but it’s worth a try just for the biscuits alone. And one more thing…

Go now while it’s still good!

I remember when Wendy’s first returned to Malaysia. I went to the branch at Sunway Pyramid and tried the ridiculously massive burger. The patties were juicy and tasty and overflowed the bun so much that I had to take 3 massive bites of all-meat before I reached the bread. Now, the patties are a lot smaller and fit neatly inside the bun and are a lot drier.

Currently, the staff at Texas are enthusiastic and polite and the food is prepared well. I of course hope this doesn’t change. But just in case it does, I’ll be eating at Texas quite frequently.

Snack-sized review

Good-sized and beautifully cooked fried chicken which unfortunately is a bit lacking in flavour.  The sides are awesome, though; it’s worth trying out just for the honey butter biscuits alone.

Stats

Hours: 10 to 10

Price: About RM10 per person.

McDonald’s Chicken McRib – Crappiness slathered in mediocrity

A little community service message.

The McRib has a fair number of fans in the USA. But over there it’s made of pork and probably at least tastes all right.

The Malaysian version is chicken. And not regular chicken meat, either. No, it was the McChicken patty, which is essentially a flattened chicken meatball. This has been formed into a mockery of the McRib and drenched in a run-of-the-mill tangy barbecue sauce. And McDonald’s is trying to pass it off as a decent immitation.

Don't buy it.

A double patty Chicken McRib without fries or drink costs RM14.70. Before tax.

How do they justify charging so much for a glorified McChicken? Do they actually use only chicken rib meat?

I don’t hate McDonald’s and I don’t expect much from them, and I do occasionally eat there. But this is one atrocity that nobody in their right mind should touch with a 10-foot pole.

End of rant.